you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
