Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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