I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This is my gift to your gina
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
