i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
