He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
