im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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