I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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