Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
