Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize