i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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