how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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