I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
