god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
