Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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