I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
