IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
