Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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