you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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