Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
