the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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