but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
