I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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