I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
