When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
