glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
