I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
