i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
