Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Randomize
