We named our party play list daddy issues
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
