My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize