I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
