Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
