I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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