So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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