Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
