I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
