sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
