She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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