I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
