I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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