So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
