I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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