If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
