I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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