There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
