Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
