I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
