Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
