another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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