my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
