I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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