woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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