he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
