I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
