i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize