I'm going to jail i love you
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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