listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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