I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
