Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
