theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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