I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
