I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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