You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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